I am what I am

She comes out along with the other performers, who just for today are taking the role of fictional characters from the children’s book Winnie the Pooh. The audience, a mixture of parents, kids and students, see her playing the role of Eeyore, a depressed, old donkey with a monotone voice. But beneath this gray, stuffed, donkey costume lays an individual who is forced to put on an act every single day of her life.

 Standing at 5’6 with thick, black, long hair, sophomore Jewels Ismail, who calls herself Michelle Alice Ismail, is a male-to-female transgender, meaning that by all physical means, she is a man. But beyond the outward appearance of what all of society sees is a unique individual who is outspoken, assertive, open-minded and in any given circumstance, extremely funny.

 Trapped

 Trapped, confused, lost, unsure—struggling to find her inner identity, Ismail, recalls her childhood as a traveler on an endless journey, attempting to put together the pieces of a puzzle that would paint her identity.

 Ismail was only five years old when she first experienced feelings and dreams that made her confused about her identity. She did not interpret these dreams to hold any significant meaning, but considered it a phase every child goes through.

 “I just thought it was something everybody goes through—everyone has these feelings. I knew I was different, but just didn’t know how,” said Ismail.
 Twirling her hair, Ismail recounts that she never found herself attracted to toy cars or the other  activities youngest boys are allured to.
 “Monster trucks, football... It was all kind of icky to me. But I loved—and still love—admiring flowers and watching butterflies. I’m also fascinated by the idea of shopping.”

 Ismail speaks assertively when stating that she always had a certain understanding, not a decision made on her own, which outlined her identity as a girl.

 “I have always felt like I were female inside. When I was just starting to learn the difference between “girls” and “boys,” I used to fantasize about being a girl when people weren’t home,” said Ismail.

Laughing, she continued, “Yes, I tried on my mother’s clothes and danced around the house like the crazy little kid I was. It wasn’t just a decision I made one day. It was like an interior understanding that “I wished I were a girl,” said Ismail.
 
 Coming out of the closet

Many transgender children are afraid to come out in a world that primarily considers them as a joke or a freak. For Ismail, it was very much the same. The journey to discerning her identity continued for her in the following years after the reoccurring dreams, she continued to struggle to put together pieces of certain feelings that made her confused about herself. Though she is now fully confident, bottling her thoughts inside was normal for Ismail as a child.

 It was not until she was 13, only two years ago in the eighth grade, that Ismail actually found her identity. Since the exact number of transgenders in the United States is unknown, the estimated transgender population is known to be very small. Ismail depended on research to help her figure her identity out by reading the novel “She’s Not There”  by Jennifer Finney Boylan.

 Ismail is fond of joking. She likes pranks and random conversations. It is no surprise that her parents at first did not take her seriously when she broke the news to them.

 Leaning back in her chair, she said with a loud sigh, “I joke too much. People don’t take me seriously. When I told my mom, she didn’t believe it at first. She just kept repeating, “You’re joking, you’re joking.”

 For Ismail’s mom, Elaine Johnson, the transition of accepting Ismail as a girl has been stressful. “In the beginning, it was really hard because I just wasn’t used to it. But to me he is my child no matter what sexual orientation he is. Jewels is Jewels is Jewels--nothing can change that.
 Though she tries to be supportive, she admits that for the future, she will be behind Ismail on her decisions.

 “Right now, I’m supporting him by letting him be whatever he wants, but as he progresses, I’ll be following him. I’m in the back, not the front,” said Johnson.
 
                                                                                                   I am what I am

 So how does a 13-year old biologically teenage boy start living like a girl? Does it mean she must start dressing like one? For Ismail, one of her greatest accomplishments is not succumbing to society’s expectations. She is a secular humanist who advocates equality for all.  
“My thoughts, my mind, are all feminine. I know what I am, and I am a girl. Only my body is misrepresentative of that. I won’t lie and say I don’t wish I had boobs and a vagina. Because truthfully, I do,” said Ismail.

She continues in a straightforward tone, “But what’s more important is that I am true to myself and who I am. I’m a girl, and nothing is going to change that. If I eventually do go through surgery, it won’t be until I’ve shown the world I can be myself without giving in to what society expects. I have the right to be myself without having to pay for it. And so does everyone else,” said Ismail.

                       Getting to know her

Most of her friends describe Ismail as an understanding person with a broad, secular view on life.

 “I love how no matter what I say, and no matter what I do in life I can come to her for advice and support,” said Kassy Pinater.
“Even if you barely know her, you are never going to get judged or stereotyped. She looks at life from every angle and always thinks before she acts,” said Pinater.

 Ismail looks more like a senior than a 15-year old sophomore. She has glasses, wears a black jacket the majority of the time and carries around a black suitcase with all her belongings. She has strong outlooks on existence and humankind.

 “However you want to believe life arrived on this planet, one thing that’s undeniable is that its here. And the one trait that separates us humans from the rest of the life on this planet is our ability to reason; to form thoughts that are not based solely on instinct, but experience. Whether it’s from our own personal experience or the collective experience that our ancestors have passed on to us, it sets each of us apart from our neighbors as unique individuals. This capacity to form independent thought-to reason- is what makes humans truly amazing. It is also our biggest flaw.”

  When asked if her masculine features bother her, she said light-heartedly in a relaxed tone, “It’s all a part of whom I am-got to deal with it and just be true to myself.”

 Although Ismail recognizes that the ignorance she faces from other students and society at large, she remains laid-back and confident.
 “It’s a funny situation I’m in. I can’t be serious and depressed all the time. I have to have a sixth sense of humor and be able to laugh about it and because of that, I’m a comedian– I love to make people laugh,” said Ismail.

 One virtue she grips onto tightly is hope.

 “So what about girls like me? Well, yeah, society has a place for us, too. It’s not as big and as welcoming as it is to the skinny girls with the boobs and long legs, or to the football players with the six-pack abs. But they’ve got a place for us,” said Ismail.

“If we pay for a psychiatrist to officially diagnose us as ‘gender disphoric,’ and then invest a great sum of money on sexual reassignment surgery (which by the way would leave us sterile although it would make the body that society would accept), they have a place for us,” said Ismail.
 As a way of ameliorating her hurt feelings, Ismail has been involved in theatre for five years and sees a parallel between theatre and her real life.
 “In drama, I get to know a character. I get to play some role of a fictional person. In everyday life, it’s the same thing because every time I hear someone refer to me as “he” they are addressing a fictional character-it’s not me. It’s unreal.”
 
                                                    Passion and activism

 With so much passion and confidence, she is striving to make the transgender voice heard.

 “How can we, the transgender population, ever hope for acceptance without making our voices louder? Much louder. We have to show the world that we exist; and although we often fight alongside the gays for their rights, our struggle is a very different one,” said Ismail.

 She continues slowly, “I don’t know how far I would go to prove a point. If it takes civil disobedience, then so be it. But there are some causes I would put my life on the line for, and transgender acceptance and rights are a couple of them,” said Ismail.